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How NOT to confront your significant other (or business partner/employee) about their cheating

Posted on: Aug 13, 2012 - 04:22 PM | General | Comments (0)
Author: DB
I want to share some great advice that I received once: “If you can’t, then you must!”
This is one of those things… And I also believe that sometimes it’s a really intelligent strategy to shut down a few of the programs on your computer (especially the ones that aren’t serving you well), because they may interfere with the smooth operation of the ones that do!
Believe this! I can’t tell you how to live your life, but I can tell you about my own personal experience in life… And it’s this… I write the following entry with conviction, as it’s coming from my own life and heart with the intent of serving the greater good; Us. “We, not Me”.
 
Quite a while ago, I was in a relationship with someone who I cared about tremendously (and I know that she cared about me the same way or even more), but we had an immature relationship. We weren’t clear about our outcome and we were both immature, inexperienced and naive. After a while, I realized that she wasn’t living up to my expectation and understanding that we were in a monogamous relationship. I let it go on like this for way too long because I just wasn’t ready to confront her about it. I wasn’t even ready to confront myself about it. I couldn’t believe that, this girl who I cared so deeply for was sleeping with my two best friends (and several other guys) behind my back. It was just too painful and humiliating for me to perceive and process (consciously). And one day, we got into an intense argument and I decided that I had enough and I was going to smoke her out. So, I told her a lie (which I knew would make her furious): that I had cheated on her. Well, there was an element of truth in my tale; I knew the other girl, but we had not actually had a physical relationship (or anything else…). During this argument, she got so angry that she screamed at me furiously and out of control, and accidentally called me the other guy’s name. And she instantly knew that she was caught, so her strategy changed to turning it all onto me.
To make a long story short (or a short story long) we stayed together about two more weeks while she played cool and planned her escape. We had a Hawaiian vacation planned and we decided to go anyway; I thought that this would be the opportunity to reconcile and turn it all around. Not for a moment did I ever think of leaving the relationship. Unfortunately, when we were there she turned on me. The end of it was when we returned from the trip. She dumped me, and she immediately (the very next day) started going out with (publically having a physical relationship with) someone else (who I knew), and tried to control the situation by blaming me for everything, and attempting to ruin my reputation; she made a big smokescreen. She played victim to everyone whom we knew and told all of our friends (and a whole bunch of others), that I was this and that, etc…. And she did her best to push me out of the crowd, whom I/we called our friends. After all that was said and done, we never talked about what happened, nor have we ever reconciled as friends to this day. And believe me, I have tried to connect with her to have a conversation many, many times over the years, only to be met by snarly, angry bitterness and awkward/ miserable politics. The funny thing is that I’ve always had it in my heart to forgive and reconcile with her for cheating on me and saying and doing all of those horrible things. And I could do the same with my former friends, who evaporated because they (probably) feel guilty and ashamed, and can’t face themselves about their behavior (let alone me). And until now, (as far as I know and understand) nobody except me has been able to make a move in the direction of reconciliation (or have any positive relationship). In fact she got married and probably brought this secret (and perhaps disease) into her marriage. And I lost the friendships with the guys, and a ton of other people whom I care about tremendously. It’s not exactly what I dreamed would happen in my lifetime, but it’s the outcome so far. It doesn’t feel complete though. I can’t control how other people handle their reality or handle their lives, but I can with my own.
I realized many years ago that I must forgive and respect her. And I also must forgive myself (for lying to her, being a selfish, foolish, immature, inconsiderate, unsupportive and a tact-deficient knuckle-dragging monkey-boy). And I must forgive and respect all of the people who bought into the lies that she and my former “friends” told about me in order to elude accountability. And I must respect and forgive my former “friends” who she was having affairs with. In fact, I must not judge her; nor anyone else, nor myself or it will sabotage my entire ability to connect with anyone else on a deep level. Holding onto anger and resentment and blame can’t serve me, nor anyone else. I think that the only way to serve in this situation is to approach the dilemma with the frame of: Understand and Appreciating their experience. So, my friends: this is how I conclude my insight: There are three simple steps to handling a situation like this:
If you find yourself in a nasty personal (or business) conflict that seems hopeless:
1) Immediately Forgive them (AND yourself). Let it go and stop judging.
2) Respect them! And yourself!
3) At the right time, Reconcile with them. (It’s the next step in the process; and it’s the most powerful part, which most people rarely progress to). It’s when two people connect face to face and forgive each other, and make up (see eye to eye as equals). Hint: it always starts with understanding and appreciating THEIR world. And if you can’t find something to appreciate in them, find a way to appreciate that they are trying (or their intensity, etc…)
AND then, Respect them again (and yourself). One way or the other, especially if the other person (or party) isn’t ready (and its possible that they may never mature or progress out of their stuck-ness); respect their needs anyway. Because what choice do we have? It will sink your soul if you hold onto the victim part of your experience. (Where is your reward in being a victim?) I believe that all problems are good; in fact a blessing in disguise, because they lead to bigger and better problems. And this is life; we must grow and make progress and become more accountable, or else we are in the process of dying. If we hold onto guilt, anger, fear; anything negative (in an unresolved emotional state), it will manifest into disease of the body and soul. It will show up as a divorce, alcoholism/addiction, or cancer and many other chronic and sometimes uncureable diseases, etc… later on. It’s just destruction waiting to happen. And it will happen, if you don’t resolve it. No exceptions! Which human needs are we truly attempting to meet by holding onto it? What will it cost us to hold onto it? What outcome do you really want? What do you want to experience when you are ninety and you look back on your life? Do you want a to be a whole, complete and loving Human Being, living at your fullest NOW? What benefits can you gain by resolving it?
Or do you want to spend a lifetime pushing away from your garbage and living as a lower version of yourself? It’s a choice. DECIDE!
 
Now… You must be asking yourself: “What is the best way to confront someone about lying, stealing, cheating or dishonesty? How would you properly handle a situation like this in the first place? Since I have been through this journey (and many others) “the hard way”. I decided to search for the best ways of handling things like this, and I have done the research… And I have been living them for a long time now! I have been your test pilot. I’ve been doing the work for a long time; let me facilitate you, in winning your game of life. If you have some programs that you wish to shut down or you want to avoid opening contaminated programs before they infiltrate your life, I have some great tools, which I can transfer to you easily and quickly. These are tools that can compress decades into days! We here at Power Curve Coaching will be honored to assist you in making the transition from where you are, to where you want to be. Email or call us to set up your free one-hour discovery session now! Set yourself free!
 

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